Weathering the Storm: Understanding the Cycle of Abuse.
Emotional abuse is something we can show others unless we do a really good job documenting it. This rarely happens because the abuse slowly ramps up and builds – like boiling a frog slowly. Once you realize you are in hot water, a lot has gone undocumented.
Abusive relationships rarely begin with chaos. They often start with warmth, connection, and the promise of stability. Gradually, the emotional climate shifts, and the person becomes immersed in a weather system they did not create and cannot control. Understanding the cycle of abuse can help survivors and professionals recognize the repeating pattern that keeps people stuck, exhausted, and unsure of themselves.
First - Tension Building: The Air Changes Before the Storm
This phase begins quietly. The survivor senses a shift long before the first storm hits. Their nervous system becomes a barometer—quickly detecting subtle cues, small criticisms, or changes in tone.
Common signs you will notice in yourself are: feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, increased irritability or unpredictable moods, attempts to keep the peace, growing anxiety or dread, hypervigilance for emotional changes
Second - Incident Phase: When the Storm Breaks
The storm may be loud or quiet, explosive or hidden, but its impact is deeply felt. Some examples of incidents may include:
Verbal attacks or insults
Intimidation or threats
Manipulation or coercion
Sleep disruption
Financial restriction
Emotional withdrawal or hostility
Third - Minimizing, Denying, and Reversing Blame: The Eye of the Storm
After the storm, there is a deceptive calm where the abuser minimizes or reframes the harm. The victim of the storm might look around and say to themselves, “Did I just imagine that storm? Is this all in my head as they say.” After so many times of being denied and deceived and the abuser taking no accountability, it can start to wear on the victim’s perception of their own experiences.
Forth - The Calm: Patchy Sunshine
A temporary reset can create hope, even when nothing underneath has truly changed. And there are many reasons why people stay in these relationships. At first, the pattern isn’t obvious—most abusive dynamics begin with warmth, affection, and intense connection. Survivors often make excuses for hurtful behavior because they want to support their partner or believe the “good moments” reflect who the person really is.
For others, the environment may feel strangely familiar. If someone grew up around unpredictability, criticism, or emotional instability, they may unconsciously recognize this terrain. They don’t seek it out, but it feels like ground they’ve walked before, and they’ve learned how to cope in it. Sometimes, this familiarity can be mistaken for love.
Recognizing the cycle doesn’t create immediate change, but it does create clarity—and clarity is the first step in rebuilding a sense of internal safety.
