Kind-Clear-Brief Boundaries Cheat Sheet

Setting boundaries can feel overwhelming if you fear conflict, rejection, or guilt. The Kind-Clear-Brief technique helps you say 'no' with confidence, protect your energy, and maintain healthy connections.

3 Steps to Boundaries:

• Kind: Lead with respect, appreciation, or empathy. Show the other person you value them.

• Clear: State your boundary directly without over-explaining or apologizing.

• Brief: Keep it short and to the point. Less explanation reduces pushback and guilt.

Examples:

·      People-Pleasing: “I’m so sorry, I know it’s inconvenient, but I don’t think I can help you move this weekend—I’ve just got so much going on…”

·      Kind-Clear-Brief: “I really appreciate you thinking of me, but I can’t help this weekend. I hope it goes smoothly.”

·      Parent to Child: “I understand you’re frustrated, but it’s my job to keep you safe. The rule stands.”

·      Co-Parent: “I’m not available to switch weekends. Let’s stick with the schedule.”

·      Practice Kind-Clear-Brief to move from overwhelm to clarity. Each time you use it, you affirm that your

·      needs matter, your time matters, and you can say 'no' while keeping your relationships respectful and

·      balanced.

When to Use Kind–Clear–Brief Communication

The Kind–Clear–Brief strategy is most effective in situations where you feel the pull to over-explain, say “yes” when you mean “no,” or soften your needs so much that they aren’t heard. These are classic people-pleasing moments: with friends, at work, with co-parents, or even with your kids.

It helps you:

• Respectfully hold your boundary without damaging the relationship.

• Stop over-justifying yourself.

• Express your needs in a way that is easy for others to understand.

• Practice self-respect and self-validation while staying warm and relational.

Use it anytime you notice:

• You’re about to agree to something that doesn’t work for you.

• You want to say no but feel guilty.

• You want to state a need or preference without conflict.

• You’re parenting and want to be both firm and caring.

Example in Action

Let’s say a friend asks you for a favor that doesn’t work for your schedule.

• People-pleasing response:
  “I’m so sorry, I feel terrible, but I just don’t think I can, I already have so much going on and I’ll try to fit it in later if I can…”

• Kind–Clear–Brief response:
  “Thanks for asking. I can’t do that today, but I’d be glad to help another time.”

How to Use the Chart

1. Identify a Trigger Situation
   Think of times you often people-please (e.g., saying yes to extra tasks at work, giving in to kids’ bedtime requests, covering more than your share with your ex-partner).

1. Write the People-Pleasing Response
   Note what you usually say in that situation. Capture the extra apologizing, over-explaining, or giving in.

2. Rewrite with Kind–Clear–Brief

• Kind: Begin with respect or acknowledgment (“Thanks for asking” / “I hear you want…”).

• Clear: State your actual boundary or request plainly.

• Brief: End it there—avoid piling on reasons.

3. Practice Out Loud
   Say the Kind–Clear–Brief version to yourself. Notice how it feels shorter, calmer, and more confident.

4. Repeat with Other Situations
   Fill in more rows of the chart using different real-life triggers. Over time, this becomes your default way of speaking.