The Holidays When Things Aren’t Okay
This article is for you if you’re spending the holidays with your partner and part of you is trying to enjoy it…while another part of you knows that something important in the relationship isn’t okay.
Maybe you’ve agreed to “just get through the holidays.” Maybe things feel calmer right now, but only because hard conversations are on pause. Maybe you’re trying to be present, kind, and appreciative—while carrying grief, confusion, or doubt quietly in your body.
If this is you, I want to say this clearly: there is nothing wrong with you. This is a very human place to be.
The Invisible Work You’re Doing
When a relationship has been painful, holidays can bring a particular kind of strain. On the surface, things may look fine. You might be functioning well, showing up, smiling, participating. But underneath, you may be doing a lot of invisible emotional work:
monitoring the mood
avoiding topics that could shift the tone
staying “regulated” so the peace holds
telling yourself, now is not the time
This isn’t weakness. It’s survival. It’s care. And it’s also exhausting.
Trying to make the best of the holidays while knowing unresolved issues are waiting in the background can create an internal split: one part of you wants connection, ease, and normalcy; another part of you knows that something needs attention, truth, or change.
Both parts deserve respect.
What Not to Force Right Now
One of the most common sources of suffering in this situation is the belief that you must use the holidays to:
decide the future of the relationship
have “the big conversation”
feel grateful, loving, or certain
enjoy it fully or not at all
You don’t have to do any of this. The holidays are not a deadline or a test of your clarity, and they are not proof of whether the relationship is working or not. It’s okay to be present while still feeling uncertain, to participate without resolving everything, and to let this simply be a temporary holding period.
A Gentle Reminder
Spending the holidays together does not mean you’re denying reality. Trying to make the best of it does not mean you’re weak. Needing time does not mean you’re avoiding truth. Often, clarity comes after rest—not before it.
If your relationship has been painful, it makes sense that your system would want calm, stability, and predictability during a season that already carries emotional weight. You are allowed to move slowly. You are allowed to gather information rather than make decisions. You are allowed to care for yourself while things remain unresolved.
Download my tip sheet: How to Cope When You’re in This In-Between Space
