Avoidance and People-Pleasing — Two Sides of the Same Fear

The Hidden Similarity

Avoidance and people-pleasing seem like opposites: one withdraws, the other overextends. But both arise from the same longing — the desire to stay connected while avoiding pain.
They’re different expressions of the same nervous-system reflex: “If I can manage the other person’s reaction, I’ll be safe.”

Avoidance: Safety Through Distance

Avoidance is a form of control — a way to minimize risk by staying hidden.
It might look like canceling plans, procrastinating, or shutting down emotionally when things get intense.
Beneath it is a quiet message: “If I don’t engage, I can’t get hurt.”
Yet this kind of self-protection often leads to disconnection, loneliness, and a loss of confidence in our ability to relate.

People-Pleasing: Safety Through Approval

People-pleasing is a subtler form of self-protection.
It says, “If I meet everyone’s needs, I won’t lose them.”
It’s a beautiful impulse — rooted in empathy — but it becomes exhausting when used as a survival strategy. Over time, it erases the self in service of harmony.

Two Paths, One Longing

The avoider avoids others’ needs; the pleaser avoids their own.
Both ultimately crave the same thing: belonging without self-betrayal.
When we understand this, the goal isn’t to “fix” one or the other — it’s to find the space between them, where authenticity and connection can coexist.

The Healing Practice

When you notice yourself shrinking or over-giving, pause and ask:

“What am I protecting myself from right now?”
“Can I stay just a little longer with what’s true for me?”

Each pause creates room for courage — and real connection begins right there.

Next article I go into more detail on how avoidant behaviour shows up, then how people-pleasing shows and and the last article - what you can do about it!